Building Rules

My wife was recently recuperating from surgery, meaning she had a month or so at home to concentrate fully on her studies, gently sorting out her office in the home, and doing all the other (non-lifting) jobs she’d been meaning to get around to.

The post-Harry Potter rebuild LEGO boxes, ready for the Batman builds.

Of course, this meant that the LEGO boxes were dug out, gone through, organised, and the instructions bags found so that the Great Rebuild could begin. 

We are a die-hard LEGO household; the kind of place where calling a pile of the plastic bricks ‘Legos’ will see you politely-but-firmly asked to get the hell out you actual freak. At Christmas, we bring down from the loft the Winter Village sets and, after building whichever the new set(s) is (are) that year, put it all out on display with a care and attention to detail that would make expert archive staff who handle actual Medieval documents wonder at our delicate precision. We have made furniture purchase choices based entirely on its potential to display LEGO projects, rather than its designer-intended function. A recent extension to the house got us excited because it meant the roof wouldn’t leak any more and we would have space for a glass cabinet to display the Harry Potter sets.

That latter point was one reason for the Great Rebuild. Additionally, it was a useful thing for my wife to be doing while she recovered and was slightly out of her gourd on meds. She felt she was doing something (literally) constructive, and there was no real physical strain involved. Sadly, there was a great deal of physical strain for me to endure, as the LEGO boxes needed brought from the kids’ rooms, entry to which would test the mental endurance of the most steadfast disaster zone aid worker.

...So...beautiful...>sob<

This done, a stiff drink imbibed, a bit of light PTSD therapy undertaken, and some rudimentary organisation work carried out, the Great Rebuild could begin.

My wife and I were unprepared for the number of Rules encountered during the process of rebuilding not only the Harry Potter LEGO – a gentle introduction as it had all been dumped in one large storage box – but also the Batman, Star Wars, Jurassic World, Knights, Elves and Friends sets. The capitalisation of ‘Rules’ is deliberate. These are no waffy ‘rules’, such as the ones you find in the highest courts of the land – oh no. These are the Rules you find underpinning the very nature of Reality.

Like all responsible research scientists, I feel duty-bound to pass on the findings. Though numbered, the Rules are presented here in no particular order, as all of these Rules apply both equally and simultaneously – especially if they contradict or otherwise interfere with each other. Under those circumstances, the cardinal rule of ‘Just Because’ applies here as it does in so many other aspects of Reality.

1 No Matter How Carefully You Sort Your Bricks Beforehand, It Won’t Be Enough

An executioner could stand over you with raised axe while you carefully separated two vastly different colours of bricks but, on the final check that determined your fate, the axe would fall on discovery that a single pip of a colour entirely different from either of the ones you were sorting had somehow made it into both piles. Of course, if you’re working in a hermetically sealed room, it would be a two-dot straight.

2 You Will Only Find The Brick You Are Looking For When You Are No Longer Looking For It

LEGO is so Zen I could vomit.

3 The Chance Of Your Partner Finding The Brick You Are Looking For Instantly Greatly Increases The Longer You Spend Looking Before Giving Up

Incidentally, documented incidences of the phrase “What, this one?” can now be entered as valid supporting evidence for the Defence in murder cases.

4 When Looking For One Specific Type Of Brick…

a) You will find every other brick that looks like it but isn’t it;

b) When you are then looking for one of those bricks that look like the ones you’d been hunting previously, you will never find them again. This is especially the case if there were loads of them.

5 When Rebuilding Sets That Are Partially Assembled…

Always completely disassemble a partially built set and sort the bricks before starting a rebuild because…

a) …despite careful checking beforehand, you will always find an already assembled unnecessarily complicated chair/desk/console/security camera/etc after you have struggled for many hours to put together an almost complete version from spares. (See notes to Rule 3.)

b) …when working with a partner on such a rebuild, they will have just finished dismantling an assembled piece just before you start working to build it. (The notes to Rule 3 also apply to the phrase “Oh, I just pulled that apart.”)

6 When You Can’t Find The Right Brick, Don’t Compromise

a) Really. Don’t.

b) This is especially the case when you’re facing one of those bricks that will be completely covered over by others in the final model. It might look absolutely perfect, but the fact that it isn’t will play on your mind. I swear, that one wrong brick will haunt you like Marley’s ghost.

"We forge our chains in life from the wrong colour bricks that none see, save ourselves."

c) The more effort you go to to make your compromise work, the more likely it is that you will find the missing brick the instant you finish, particularly if it will be an utter bastard to swap it all around.

7 Take Out The Batteries In Light Bricks

Spare yourself the pain. The Universe has decided that they will somehow be utterly flat by the time you finish the rebuild, and you don’t want to have to murder the finished model to get them back out before the batteries leak.

8 You Will Find That Brick With The Small Sticker On It When The Build Is Finished

Unfortunately, you will have built it into a wall on a completely different kit without noticing, and it will take you sixteen hours to get it back out.

9 The LEGO You Set Aside For The Kids To Play With That You Think Is Safely Nothing To Do With Your Rebuild Will Contain Up To 5 Bricks From Your Set, Including A Sticker Brick

You will only discover this when you spot the bricks you need built in to key areas of the best LEGO model your child has ever built, and that they will proudly put on prominent display in their room to show to the grandparents at the weekend. Do not break that model apart once they are in bed. Firstly, you will never figure out how to put it back together again, especially if you took photo-reference first. Secondly, they will notice any difference instantly. Thirdly, the guilt will kill you. You are going to have to suck it up and postpone your rebuild, or go to your local LEGO Pick-A-Brick shop.

Alternatively, smash the bloody thing to pieces, leave it on the floor, and blame the dog.

10 Pick-A-Brick Shops Do Not Open At 1am, Even If You Call The Manager At Home

Bastards.

"To the LEGO shop!!"

11 The More Time Aand Money You Spend At The Pick-A-Brick Shop, The Greater The Chance That You…

a) Picked exactly the wrong bricks, or;

b) Will find the brick you wanted as soon as you get home.

Still, who cares, yeah? YOU WENT TO THE LEGO SHOP!!!!! What did you get, huh? Show me! Show me now!

12 The Earlier In The Evening You Start Your Build, The More Likely It Is That You Will Still Be Working On It At Dawn The Next Day

This likelihood of voluntary sleep deprivation is increased by the seeming simplicity of the kit.

13 The Intricacy And Sheer Number Of Bricks Involved In Any One LEGO Object You Rebuild Greatly Increases The Likelihood That You Will Notice You Used A Frikkin’ Mega Bloks Brick Only Once You Have Finished

This is also why you need to hide hammers before starting a rebuild project.

14 Your Brain Will Register That You Have Seen The Brick You've Been Looking For These Past Hours One Second After You Have Stirred The Bricks In The Box

At that point, no amount of careful back-sifting will reveal the brick in question. LEGO bricks can apparate, it would seem. I suspect the Harry Potter bricks have been passing on bad habits.

Those are the Rules I’ve discovered. Chances are my mind has blocked all recollection of others, so feel free to add them into the Comments section below.